Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
