so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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