I wanna bring you to show and tell
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
