I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
