I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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