Only a mothe r could love this liver
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
