4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
