Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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