He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize