hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
