I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
