If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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