a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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