I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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