i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you inspire me to be a worse person
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
