Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
