Well douche your snatch and let's go!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize