her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
