You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
