I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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