you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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