my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
