How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
