I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
