Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
