Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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