You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize