Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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