Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
