Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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