He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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