her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
