I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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