Old men and throwing up are my life now.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
