it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
