I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
