I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
