gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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