I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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