Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
