im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
