If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
