I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
