if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
