Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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