Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
