May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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