Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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