his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I deserve to be covered in dicks
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
