So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
