Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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