There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
no, he came in my armpit
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
