And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
