Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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