i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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