My nipple is on Facebook.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
